We've believed a lie. Most all of us. That lie is that self-criticism motivates us. That the only way to improve and move ahead is to mentally and verbally punish ourselves when we see our lives, our performance falling short.

Neff presents research and stories that prove the truth: we grow and flourish in an atmosphere of self-compassion. I'm so happy I own this book and can underline and look back on it again and again. The tone and writing are clunky from time to time. But still I found myself softened and invited into a safe, healthy alternative reality -- one where love, kindness, mercy, and patience really do win.

Do-able exercises accompany each chapter so that readers can implement self-compassion on the spot. ( )

For all the people pleasers out there, this is for you!! If you haven’t heard of Kristen Neff before I suggest you listen to her many available podcasts and talks she has given.

This is a wonderful journal to use to help guide you to be more self aware and to be okay with being more kind to yourself. Life is hard and if we make a mistake we must be self compassionate with ourselves, because unfortunately in this world not many people will provide that with you.

It is to be worked over time and I will continuously keep redoing and working on this. Best money I have ever spent on a book! ( )

A very important tool in self-help therapy. ( )

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is written by Kristin Neff, a prominent researcher in the area of self-compassion. It includes research findings, a variety of exercises with room to complete them in the book, and stories from the author’s personal experience. The author draws on Buddhist teachings, and she writes that:

Suffering stems from a single source – comparing our reality to our ideals.

The book describes how self-criticism develops, and offers examples of how it can be essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy by putting ourselves down in front of others to beat them to the punch, or by undermining our relationships out of the belief that others judge us the way our self-critic does.

The author presents self-compassion as an alternative to self-criticism. She clarifies that this isn’t trying to feel good about yourself; rather, it’s about self-kindness, acknowledgement of our common humanity, and mindful awareness. It’s also not about self-pity, as self-compassion involves the recognition that feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are universally shared.

I was surprised by Neff’s argument that pursuing higher self-esteem isn’t necessarily useful. She pointed out various issues, including promotion of narcissism and the fragility of having self-esteem contingent on things outside of our control. Self-compassion involves recognizing that we all have strengths and weaknesses, and we don’t need to define our worth.

The book addresses the question of whether self-criticism might be necessary to perform effectively, and I thought that really strengthened the argument for self-compassion. Neff points out that people actually do their best when they feel confident, and self-criticism undermines that. Also, self-critics tend to “self-handicap,” finding ways of doing things that will later give them an excuse for poor performance. While that doesn’t surprise me, I hadn’t heard of self-handicapping before.

One section of the book focuses on how self-compassion can improve interactions with others. This includes a chapter on improving things in the bedroom by letting go of sexual shame.

I quite liked the author’s approach to self-compassion. It doesn’t rely on being positive or having strong self-esteem, which makes it broadly accessible. Kind of like in Brené Brown’s books, Self-Compassion incorporates research findings, but not in a textbookish way. There are plenty of real life examples to illustrate the concepts covered.

I think this would be a great read for anyone who struggles with self-criticism. And really, we could probably all benefit from a little more kindness toward ourselves. ( )

May have read through a little fast just to finish, but will definitely be revisiting in the future, especially the exercises. Self-compassion is something various CAPS counselors have suggested to me (current one suggested this book), and last year I did go through an MBSR weekly course. Mindfulness, or being aware of your thoughts is something I'm passably okay with, but the being compassionate to yourself is still a work in progress.

Very useful, maybe half a star off for repeating the Two Wolves story as Cherokee wisdom since it seems to be of dubious origin, and while self-compassion and mindfulness are rooted in Buddhist thought, I'm wary of any hint of Eastern fetishization. Neff never goes there but a few sentences allude to the great wisdom of the East etc. ( )