Dear Fan of Count Olaf, If you have picked up this book hoping to find a simple and cheery tale, then I must remind you that this is a "book," and even children know that books are more depressing than movies. You would have a much simpler, cheerier time watching a motion picture starring a handsome count. My major motion picture, for example, starring me, features a deadly serpent, three sad orphans, a dashing count, and the promise of a trip to Peru. True, this "book" has all the same details, but because it contains so many pages, you probably won't like it. Take my advice: Put this thing down at once and rush to your local movie theater to marvel at my groundbreaking performance in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events . Of course you may have my autograph: Count Olaf